Debbie Downer

     I guess I'm lucky in one genetic respect. I'm a girl who survives depression and not a boy. The sad stats are that more men than women complete their suicide. More women think about and attempt killing themselves, but males are more successful. As a teenager I thought, planned and nearly went down the death avenue. In adulthood severe depression reared again when I experienced several miscarriages, lasting through a successful birth to culminate in full blown postpartum depression. That story runs throughout this blog/book for the primary reason that I intend it for others who chemically or historically missed out on the sprinkles on their cupcake. 

     Depression is not best described by labeling it a disease. It is a disorder that encompasses body as well as mind and has the ability to make a human believe it also infects their spirit. Most physical ailments do not do this. Some of the other mental "diseases" also give the impression of impacting an individuals spirit. But spirit cannot be harmed. It is the only aspect of self that is unchanged by the physical, mental or living world. Somewhere inside of me resided this knowledge at 17. Consciously at 47 I endeavored to prove the idea that my spirit rose above the clutter of my historical depression. Now 53 years old, having traveled a mythical odyssey over shards of broken glass and old woundings, I am able to label this hypothesis TRUE.

     Robin Williams suicide knocked me sideways as it did millions of other people living with or alongside depression. This brilliant man who made me laugh until I peed my pants took my long considered avenue of death. Only those who haven't gazed lingeringly at that option would say something judgmental about his choice. I didn't live in Mr. Williams life. No one else did. In my small square of the Universe I am honored with my own choices. 

     Those I choose consciously and those I don't.

On any given day the options litter my steps, this way or that way, eat this or not, be awake or sleep. The selections range from the dramatic, breathe or don't, to the less obvious, which job will bring joy or who will surround my days. But each of them are about living or not. Because conscious choices of quality rather than duty are the whole point. Decisions full of obligation are not owner-owned. They are shoulds and have tos. Spirit, the unharmed being behind my eyeballs, wants peaceful co-existence with my physical/mind self. She waits patiently until I understand this. Her essence perfumes my tasks with joy if we are aligned. If we are not, my body and head ache with aggravation, depression and sadness at our perceived separation. Coming to the realization that wholeness is a perception and a reality has brought me serenity. The tripod of body-mind-spirit IS. I intend to live in IS wherever that takes me.

     Good bye Robin Williams. You are already missed.