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Saturday, August 24, 2013

Free Will

     I recently read a blog written by noted atheist Sam Harris.  My own mish-mash of this and that includes a belief in something other than me running amok behind the scenes.  Mr. Harris includes in his reasoning the impossibility of God if there is starvation, war and dead children.  He and I disagree on this point mainly because of a little thing called Free Will. 

In past ponderings I have fallen to my knees in harmony with the concept.  It worked for me.  

     "We choose whether to do harm or not."

     "Life is a choice."

     "In or out."

This belief enabled me not to feel "pushed" by God or my idea of God.  One thing I am not a fan of is being told what to do.  At 16 I pointed my middle fingers at the shut door my mother stood on the other side of until they ached with the force of the action.
     In the article he makes reference to environment and DNA and the end result, whether human or bear.  He caught my attention.  Since then, free will has become an open question.

Tear for Fears:  Everybody Wants to Rule the World
  • Man uses chainsaw in drunken argument with best friend.
  • Do we have control over our eating?
  • What if fat cells sending their powerful siren call Rule?
He discusses what happens when humans are rocking on Free Will.

     Every choice is held in judgment.

     Ahhhh.  Now Sam had me in the cross hairs.

Judgment is pollution without a chemical base.  It rots lives, corrupts  minds and is catastrophic in building a united world.  Which consequently completely eradicates FREE WILL.

     What if we are like bears?

     What if we are following instinct and society ingrained dictum's?
  • A young man shares his inner most feelings.
  • Children become adults and nuke the nest left behind.
  • Dogs comfort in a time of need.
  • A beautiful woman says "I love you." to a new friend.
If Mr. Harris is right, all monsters are created by history and DNA.  

     Holy fuck, what does THAT mean?

     "It means darling Deb that there is no one to blame."


     "There has never been anyone to blame."

     So, shit happens?

     "The bear isn't to blame if it attacks in the woods."

     No, but humans are different.

     "Are they?"

     Everybody Wants to Rule the World.


     The primordial soup blends toes, frogs, dirt, water, snot and mayhem.  Somewhere in the pot is love, anger, jealousy, narcissism and generosity.  

     Hey Dude, but what about YOU?

     "We ARE one of ALL."

     Hey Sam!  One point atheist, one point God.

     So cool.  I love when that happens. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Lock and Key

     The second day in Paris we stumbled upon this bridge, literally and figuratively.  Still reeling from jet lag we stood dis-cumbumbled at the site of hundreds, maybe thousands of locks on an overpass near Notre Dame. Several seconds passed before our daughter realized what the mish-mash stood for.

     "Oh!  I heard about this place.  Apparently people get a lock to engrave their name and someone else's on the front.  Someone they love.  Then they put it here and throw away the key."

The site begged for a posting yet the writing urge passed...until today. The words arrived after the recent layer offered about Wide Open Heart.

     I realize you've brought this love information before.


     I'm dumber than a rock apparently.

     "One meal cannot feed an entire life."

     That's an understatement.

    "It is a process of acceptance."

     Guess I'm a snacker.

     "Memories arrive when you are ready."

The picture tumbled into view.

     Bound and locked.

     "Love is simple."

     Simple is probably the last word I would have used. 

Having found the key, I inserted it into the lock binding my love treasure.


The lock rasped loudly each time I remembered to open it.  In the ensuing days the rust gave way and the sound grew softer.  
     A client arrived requesting work on scar tissue from open heart surgery.


     I'm creative, but even I couldn't make this shit up.

     "I feel a pulling whenever I try to breathe too deeply or press my shoulders back."

     Me too!

His chest had been laid open once on an operating table while mine was sans anesthesia in emotional mayhem several times in the past 5 decades.  

     Either way...OUCH.

Engaging the tissue I waited for it to respond.  Finally, memory of pliability returned. 

     Finally memory of pliability returned.

     "Well done."

     Grasshopper rested between stalks of grass, noticing the wide open space of a meadow ahead.  It appeared to be empty but the small insect hesitated.

     A bird may swoop in and eat me.

The view continued to tantalize while the fretting continued.

     It is beautiful, but I may perish!

Her vibrant green legs twitched with a restrained desire to leap.  Earth steadily rotated, Wind continued to rustle foliage and Sky changed colors as Life carried on.

     "Life waits for no one, not even you."

      But it may hurt!

      "Hush little one, hush yourself and leap."

Friday, August 9, 2013

The Seedling

     I'm very used to diving for cover when periodic life bombs pelt from all sides. In fact one of my best attributes is an ability to grab the shit boots in record time.  Having learned early on that survival meant having an ability to endure the unendurable, I also became proficient at out lasting particularly long drawn out sieges.  Unfortunately, alongside this magnificent fortitude, is a coping skill that isn't one I'd care to teach anyone.  

It is RAGE.

No, really.


It looks like a volcano dancing in and out of eruptions, with words added to the intense explosions.  Throw in fists raised at the Universe and an occasional foot stomping parade.  Recently the lava spewed helter skelter uncontrolled.

After a long delicious vacation in France, the pendulum had swung swiftly from nirvana to the other side.




And it didn't stop at one or two stink bombs, the bombardment went on for weeks.  

Children ran forward to person hood

Pee splattered in an unending stream
A companion was diagnosed with cancer

Windows lined up eagerly awaiting a purge of mildew
A roof swelled with rain

An office morphed at break neck pace
A kidney stone nearly knocked the sturdy structure to the ground

Anniversary's of Pain moved into rotation
The loss of two
A mother left and never looked back

In between grumpy bitching, screaming and shaking my fists I stewed, unable to understand what may be at hand.

     What the fuck?


     Fuck that.

     "The answer waits."

     Well it better have a shitload of patience.

     I'm having a long stupid period.

Several weeks into the mayhem I visited my $150 friend.

     Thank God her timing is impeccable.

     "Have you cried?"

I gave her my sternest "no way in hell" look.

     "Why not?"

     "I'll cry after the madness ends.  I've just got to get through it."

     "I understand."

Clearly she did and clearly she disagreed because she spent the rest of our 55 minutes trying to get me to cave into a puddle.  However, I am resilient.  I lasted 55 plus a couple of extras the good doc threw in at the end.  The woman is tenacious.

     "You know what I see?  I see a woman who strives to do her best.  I see someone with a huge amount of love and has difficulty showing others that love when everything is going badly."

     Fuck me sideways.

     "Trust that it won't go away if you share it when you are frightened or mad or hurt.  Trust that the love will always be there even when someone is shouting at you or walking away or dying.  Love is always there."

     Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.

After the session miracles arrived to water the new seedling Dr. D released from the stark earth.

Blue arrived to comfort

An eagle swooped in with a wave
A feather greeted from the grass

The companion was cleared of cancer
A girl settled in for conversation

Windows glistened and brought in light
Yoga stretched the confining space
Breath swirled in an abundance of love

The drumbeats echoed taking the message afar

Carry great love for all, always.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Bonni Blue Berry

6 years
A breath
An eon

6 blue bowls are wrapped for a lady ahead of me in line
A dear friend arrives dressed head to toe in vivid azure

Hello girl.  You have come for a visit.

A gallon of blueberries smile up
An orchid blooms from year 5 through to 6
The stem holds 5 blooms and the bud of a 6th

I've been holding the space for you.

Her fur ripples in the breeze as she dashes alongside
We cavort in spirit joy
Our love waves through the trees

This is impossibly lovely.

The brain resists, while the heart embraces magic
Thoughts ward off pain and build a wall
Love sweeps the structure to the side

There is no division between us.

My love, my heart

She runs alongside always.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Happy Dance

     This is what generally comes to mind when the word happy is utilized in a sentence.

  • Big Smiles
  • Laughter
  • Joy
  • Bounding Exuberance
  • Dancing
  • Bliss

We are conditioned to jump like well trained puppies after the definition of this word.  It is the treat after a nicely performed sit.

    And yet, happiness cannot be defined.

One person's nirvana is another's ice pick to the eye.  Trying to comprehend someone else's happiness is the unending Wack a Mole game.  It looks, sounds, smells, tastes and feels differently to each human depending on the history and emotions in the stew pot.  

     So stop trying?

     "Start listening."


     Then who is right?



Expectations and judgments cloud discussions on the topic because we each NEED or believe happiness is linked not only to survival, but surviving well.  

     "If I'm happy then I've done something right."

     "My life will not be wasted if it ends happily."

      "If I make you happy then I've been successful."

Each song has a unique beat which is confounding to the outsider.  No matter how  patiently I wait the jump rope rhythm is nonsensical if it is not my own. 

     Listening sounds like a colossal waste of time.

     "Listen with acceptance."

     "Neutral is the answer to everything."

     And harder than giving up sugar.

     "Acceptance is sweeter."


My version of happy is complicated with a history of pain.  Which means from the outside I may look worried, concerned, distant or pissed and actually be having a fucking great day.  On the occasion I howl at the moon with joy, it is usually in silent harmony alone.  This concept of happy isn't what the words above look like.

     It's different.

     "You are unique."

     But not right or wrong.

     "There is no right or wrong way to happy."

     "It is perception."

The happy dance is elusive, flitting in and out of circumstances or moments. 
     It is possible to be joyously ecstatic in the midst of hell.  I know because I've done this mind bending double twist while sobbing.  

     Exquisite pain is exquisite.

     "You are living if you are feeling."

      Or freakishly masochistic.

Hanging onto happiness is impossible and yet seems tangible.  Sparkle dust slips from my clenching palms while I gasp as the treasure is lost.  Scarlett O'Hara understood this, reaching again and again for the insignificant threads beyond her fingertips.  

     "After all tomorrow is another day."